Peace

I just wanted to share that I have been feeling overwhelmed and stressed out and just a little bit crushed by stressors and various aspects of my life that are outside of my control. Important, life-altering "stressors and various aspects of my life."

Tonight though, I'm feeling surprisingly at peace about it and wanted to share that feeling with the world. You know, as a reminder for tomorrow that I had that feeling today, so that I don't forget that the feeling of peace actually exists it, and I did, in fact, experience it in real life. :)

Where in the world lives Candace Sandiego?

M's topic: If you could move anywhere that you wanted to live, where would you go and why?

Good topic, following right on the heels of my Friend of the Court caseworker handing me paperwork for a change of domicile motion! (Not happening for a good long time yet, regardless.)

Also, it's a broad question so it's also a little difficult to answer. Anywhere I wanted to with no limits (financial, legal, et cetera)? Anywhere I want to in the US? Anywhere I want to in my own personal reality during the next 14.5 years? Specific location or merely city versus country?

Really, the only way I can answer this is with a whole slew of answers!

Okay. Here we go.

I'm a country person rather than a city person. I want to live in a beautiful, old rambling house somewhere with grass everywhere, a big, old barn, and a huge metal mailbox out by the road. Someplace with a giant yard, where I could play baseball in the yard with N, or capture the flag, or have our friends over during the summer for bonfires. Somewhere that N can grow up with the same values and some of the same experiences that I grew up with, even though he's down 4 siblings and a whole slew of cousins when compared to me.

It's also important to me, though, that we live in an area with close access to diversity, art, architecture, drama, sports, and music. We don't have to live in New York City (though that was on top of my list, pre-Magoo), but I want to at least live on the outskirts of a large town. I grew up in the country outside of Chicago, and had a lot of great opportunities to visit museums, dance halls, and ballparks in the city, while experiencing Lipizzaner shows, John Phillip Sousa Orchestra recitals, and university performances of The Crucible or The Pirates of Penzance in my hometown, all while living on 7 acres of field and yard, with ponies, dogs, rabbits, chickens, and cats in my backyard. That is something I greatly value for N and definitely want him exposed to as he grows up. Nothing but broad horizons for that kid!!

I would LOVE for N to grow up in my hometown. Particularly in my little countryside neighborhood.

Now.

Outside of my state (and outside of my 100 mile tether that accompanies joint legal custody), I would love to live in New York City. Not POSITIVE that I want to live there with a child though. But, the Catskills? That's another story. I'd love to be up there! Woodstock, people, Woodstock! No, just kidding, but seriously. The Catskills are beautiful and I think I love them. My sister and brother-in-law are lucky enough to have just had their offer on a house up in the Catskills accepted, so I, in turn, will soon be lucky enough to have plenty of time to visit them up there! I would also love to live in Tennessee. Again, in the country, maybe near Gatlinburg or Nashville, no too picky. I would, however, require a rocking chair on my front porch.

If I were to move outside of the U. S. of A., it gets a little tougher. Possibly Ireland? I have always been entranced by that country. Plus, no snakes? I have my doubts that's anything more than a myth, but I'm holding onto my dreams of a snake-free existence! My bucket list includes visiting Ireland with N.

Another potential home would be Italy, or perhaps Greece. Beautiful. Relaxing. Blue. My brain thinks those words/colors/thoughts/feelings every time Italy and Greece pop in there. Back in the days when I had cable television, I was entranced with HGTV, particularly house hunter shows in which the homes hunted were in Mediterranean regions. I loved the land, the attitude of the locals, and the crumbly homes they visited. It would be great to live in one of those places.

However, something I'm working on now, is being happy with my life as it is, regardless of my current location of domicile. Home is where your heart is! My heart is with Magoo. But someday I can move somewhere that makes me happier, and I can take him with me, can't I? :)

Sometimes I wish I was a poet..

M's topic: What's your favorite poem?

Secrets with Cam time- once upon a time I thought I was a total poet! (Read that with the same mental tone as if you were reading "a total bada**!") 

No, for real, I did.

I was going to write poetry and illustrate my literary genius so that I would become a world-renown children's book author. Sometimes, I still entertain this line of thought. Not kidding, dudes, I had a GREAT series of haikus about which you could never guess the topic!

Drawing from my childhood experiences, of course. 😁

Not only that, but my sister had this steno notebook that was full of poems she wrote, and I READ them. Oh man, she would have been super mad if she'd known that then. Not only did I read them, but (here's the kicker) I used one for my senior quote under my picture in my senior yearbook, thinking it would be funny. 

I'm still mortified.

Can't believe I did that. What a dope I am, you guys!

Not that I don't admire my sister and think she's ultra cool, but she wrote that when she was in high school and then I STOLE it, and oh my. Just. Oh my.

Anyway....

My favorite poem.

My favorite poem is absolutely "The Road Not Taken," by Robert Frost. I had to memorize a poem in 8th grade and recite it in front of my class, with a choice of three poems to memorize- a Robert Frost, "The Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe, and a third I can't remember and probably never will. "The Road Not Taken" was permanently imprinted on my memory and became something I automatically thought of and sometimes daydreamed about when hiking at the dunes or just outside enjoying nature. 

Without further ado, "The Road Not Taken," folks.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood 

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, just as fair

And having perhaps the better claim

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that, the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost, the Man, the Legend 

I feel like that poem is a metaphor for my life (and probably 98% of the world's population could claim that as a metaphor for their life with the same right to claim it as I believe I have), although not necessarily in the most positive ways. The words do inspire a feeling of hope in me, however, which is always welcome, in my lofty opinion.

There have been others that come and go, but by and large, "The Road Not Taken" has my heart, and (I suspect) always will. 

Kind of like Gilbert Blythe. 😉

Oh, October, how I love you!

M's topic: What's your favorite season and why?

Fall, easy. 

Fall is my favorite season. And it's not autumn, it's fall. Calling it autumn makes it sound snobbish and self-important. It's not those things.

It's beautiful and cozy, crisp and crunchy, orange and red, wooly and bundley (yes, I know, not a word), snug and dry, clear and blue, swirly and scuttling...

Words that make me think of October make me happy. Because October makes me happy.

Corn mazes, hayrides, bonfires that make you feel as though you're melting on one side as you're freezing on the other side.

Seeing the clear, bright sky at night, filled with constellations that I still can't find without help, no matter how many times I try.

What's your favorite season?

Camping: The Greatest American Past-time❤️

M's topic: What's your favorite outdoor activity and why?

Camping!!!

Camping is my favorite outdoor activity.

Here's why:

1. It's outdoors. That's my favorite.

2. You sleep in a tent and listen to crickets and trees and grass at night.

3. You don't wear makeup.

4. You hike.

5. You feel relaxed. THE WHOLE TIME.

6. You can do all of your other favorite outdoor activities while you're camping! 

Play catch? ✅ 

Bean bag toss? ✅

Swim? ✅

Bike? ✅

Hike (again) ✅

Ladderball? ✅

Picnic? ✅

Sit around a fire at night? ✅

The options are endless. I can't wait to go camping again this summer.

7. You can do it: a) with your favorite people, b) alone, c) with 25 people, or d) with one other person. My favorite people to camp with are my son and my Bible study group.

8. I feel like I'm at home when I'm camping. It reminds me of my childhood, which was wildly happy. I would go back if I could, but I can't, so I go camping. 

9. No phones or alarm clocks. (Unless you're crazy.) ((Or you have a super exciting day trip planned.))

10. I feel like I need to say again that you feel relaxed the whole time. Sweet relief!!

And here's a picture of my favorite human, up early,
eating breakfast next to a fire, in his jammies.

I AM SO EXCITED FOR CAMPING THIS YEAR!!!

This afternoon..

And this is what N and I did this afternoon.

Such a perfect day. 😊

That grad school life...

I've not blogged in 3.5 weeks. I've been too busy, too stressed, too anxious! The last 3+ months have been exhausting and draining and just straight up difficult.

My graduate program boards were in January and I spent December and January studying, but missed passing by two points on my written boards. My oral boards were shortly after, after which I was put in "on hold status." I spent February and March jumping through countless hoops and writing papers and re-attempting my oral board, only to learn in late March that my panel determined I would not be allowed to remain on track for graduation and instead would have to retake my boards during a different semester. 

Suckerpunch.

Follow that with a bunch of negative, mean, hurtful text conversations with Magoo's father, in which some carefully aimed barbs that were intended to do maximum damage to my self-esteem. 

Double suckerpunch.

I have done a lot of griping and complaining, both alone and to my ever so patient friends and family who have listened and supported and prayed for me throughout this entire time.

The love, support, and prayer has been felt though. I am thankful for my graduate program friends, my Bible study, work friends, family, and even new friendships that have just developed since this semester began.

I know that God has a plan for my life and everything happens for a reason. It is hard to let go and trust that, but with a little help, I've been letting go a little more and a little more, and trusting in His will and His plan.

I'm choosing to take a positive outlook on life, rather than getting caught up in the disappointments. 

Today a book I ordered was delivered. It's a devotional that accompanies a book called One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp. I plan to read a devotional each day, focusing my thoughts on the gifts and blessings of each day, big or small, rather than focusing on dark obstacles that may seem at first glance to obscure the light. 

In the past I have created my own lists of "one thousand gifts," but have never continued it long enough to truly make a habit out of looking for and appreciating the tiny shining moments in life.

I pray I will remember to put God first and trust in his will. I pray that I will be thick skinned for future hurtful conversations (of which there will undoubtably, and unfortunately, be more), and I pray that I will see the light and beauty and blessing in every moment, even in the moments that feel painfully dark. 

Praise to the Lord above from whom all blessings flow.

I thank Him for everything and all that I have and am.