We all need a little help sometimes..

M's Topic: What am I proud of?

Okay, so this topic was a little difficult for me to figure out at first. What the heck am I proud of myself for accomplishing or working toward accomplishing? Um........ I should say grad school, because most people would say that's quite an accomplishment. It doesn't feel like one to me. It feels like a weight dragging me down (I know, I know, it's just because I'm currently enrolled and it's hard). I should say I'm proud of N, but N is his own person. He's not my masterpiece or anything, I just gave birth to him. He's a human being. So other than that....I was drawing a blank. But then I realized exactly what I want to say!!

And this is a big thing for me, so here it is. (Big breath.) I have been put through the wringer in the last few years by N's father, and it screwed me up in a big way mentally and emotionally, and in a whole lot of other ways besides. I have never been through anything truly terrible in my life until this- I think the worst things that happened to me before my experiences with my son's father were (in this order): 1) breaking up with my boyfriend during junior year of high school and realizing halfway through that I didn't want to do that, but by then there was no going back, 2) my brother playing a really mean prank on me a few weeks later, and 3) being told in no uncertain terms by a "friend" (this time in sophomore year of high school) that I was a bad "friend." (I still haven't figured out what I supposedly said or did, but obviously I could care less now.)

The thing is, that I've never really had anything horrible happen to me, and I've never desperately needed some kind of help or support. With everything that happened with N's dad, I needed help, big time. I was losing it. I'm pretty sure I cried daily for the first 6 months after I finally realized that I needed to get the two of us out, and then after that it was maybe only weekly. But terrible things kept happening after I moved N and I out, and it was pretty damaging. I still feel like I am not back to my normal self, in fact, I never will be because of the things that happened changing me in a very permanent way.

But, I got myself help. That is what I am proud of. I don't like sharing my feelings with anyone, I hate people knowing that something is wrong, and I really, really, really don't like feeling or seeming "weak" or incapable of fixing my own problems or dealing with crap. Even just the fact that the situation existed was embarrassing, let alone having to deal with the issues directly, and having to deal with the emotional, mental, financial, physical strain of it all was more overwhelming than I even know how to express. However, this was pretty serious stuff, and there was no way for me to "fix" it. The stress and anxiety was making me physically ill, for a long period of time, and like I mentioned, I cried ALL THE TIME. (I think my eyes were puffy for the first two years without stopping- now at least they're only puffy when I stay up too late working on classwork or studying that I've procrastinated for too long.)

I went to a therapist for the first time ever, shortly after the fight for custody of N began, thinking that that would be the answer. It helped a tad bit, but ultimately added more stress and anxiety (although that is not the norm, I know, and I would highly recommend that people dealing with hard stuff consider finding a professional to talk to) to my situation. Around that time, I started leaning pretty hard on friends from church/Bible study/work, and their support, understanding, and love for me as a friend made all of the difference. Friends shared with me their experience as children growing up with divorced parents, others played with N, made me laugh, encouraged and uplifted me, cried with me, pushed me to keep moving forward, and kept asserting that things would be better the farther forward I kept moving.

It wasn't easy for me to open up about what happened during my marriage and what was continuing to happen, my feelings, my fears, my disappointments. It was so stinkin' hard at first, but it's grown easier for me. I can definitely say that my friends that loved and supported me through it were there for me as an extension of God's love for me, and honestly, it feels as though they did more for me in this than I did for myself, but I had to take the first step by reaching out and asking them to walk through it with me. (And I did!) I do feel bad for them, because they're still walking through it with me, and believe me, I'm sure they'd rather just be done with it all, but they continue to love and support me and N.

Through their eyes, I can see my own worth and know that I am valuable. I know that what I did was the right thing, and though there are times when I know I shouldn't have done something, ultimately, I know that I'm doing what is right for myself, and especially for N, preventing him from being exposed on a daily basis to that kind of toxic environment. I know that God has plans in store for me that are good, and that he cares for me and for N. I thank God every day for my friends, who are more my family than my friends. They are just one example of the proof of God's love for me. I am proud of myself for reaching out to them and sharing with them. They made all the difference to me in a horrible situation, and in my experience, they are all definitely the hands and feet of Christ! I can't say it enough - I thank God for the people he brought into my life!!