Stress Relief

M's topic: What's your favorite stress reliever?

This is a hard one for me! I am always stressed, and even when I'm taking a break from all of the hard things in life, I'm still holding that stress somewhere. When I'm at a friend's house, when I'm playing with the kiddo, when I'm out for a walk in God's glorious nature..

It's in the back of my head. No matter how hard I try to let it go. But here are some things that help.

~Spending time with friends

~Putting puzzles together with N

~Playing catch (especially when you hear a solid smack of the ball in the webbing of your mitt)

~Eating a burger (I KNOW that's terrible!!! But if you get a good one, it's so delicious that you forget what stress is while you taste the goodness that comes between two slices of bun!) ((And I'm totally serious about this one, though you may think I'm crazy!))

~Reading a book

~Moving (my body, not moving to a new home)

~Traveling

~Sometimes painting. Sometimes it stresses me out more though, because I'm a perfectionist.

~Building things. It's so therapeutic. I like to see my hard work has actually resulted in something that's tangible.

~Biking really fast

~Driving in the heat with the windows down

~Swimming

~Watching a good movie

~Attending high school basketball games

~Getting a massage

~Snuggling N

~Bible study

~Almost anything with N, actually

Yep. Any of those things are just grand. And there are more.

^^ Stress = Relieved

One Thousand Gifts

My cousin sent me this picture a couple days ago:

by Brian Andreas

Cute, right? Only things have been the pits for me lately, and I've noticed something about myself. I used to be super chipper and positive and optimistic and I tried to see the best in everyone and the silver lining in everything. 

Notice I said used to. 

I'm not so chipper and positive and optimistic anymore. I don't necessarily look for the best in everyone.  And I sure don't see the silver lining in much of what goes on in life anymore.

The opposite of that mean monster's story has been happening to me over time, and I'm turning into someone that I feel disappointed by. 

I want to see the best in everyone. I want to give them a chance, and to even develop a friendship with them. Yes, I make friends with people, but I sure don't give people second chances or try very hard to see things from a different light when I see them do something that I don't agree with. 

I want to see the silver lining in life. I want to take everything, the good and  the bad, and find a positive, happy takeaway. Something that leaves me feeling as though everything has meaning in it, and it's not all gloom if things don't appear as we want.

A couple years ago, my friend lent me this book by Ann Voskamp.

One Thousand Gifts

I was going through some awful stuff with N's father, and I cried all the time. It felt like life would never be okay, N was going to be scarred, I was scarred, the only thing I had ever wished for my entire life was never going to happen, my life had been ripped away from me, torn into shreds, and then went up in flames.

I was devastated. One Thousand Gifts was hard for me to read, but it helped me. I tried to actively look for the gifts in every day, in every moment, and it helped.

Grad school has been a nightmare for me. I'm still not even sure how I made it this far into the program, but it has taken it's toll. Anymore, I feel like all I do is moan and complain and whine about how it's so hard, and the program is awful, and I don't want to continue the program, and the professors are awful, and on and on and on. 

I have a hard time seeing the positive in anything anymore. Grad school took me and turned me into a monster! 

Well, after B sent me that photo (of the mean monster) and after I had sat and thought about it for a while, I decided enough was enough. The things and people in my life that make it hard, whether it's N's father, mean professors, difficult assignments/exams, long distance internships, anything, I am not going to let it take control of me. 

I will not be the mean monster's doppelgänger!! I will be me, and I will be kind, and thoughtful, and generous, and caring, and loving, and accepting, and turn-the-other-cheek-ing, and look-for-the-positive-ing, and silver-linings-exist-ing!

I'm going to journal my own thousand gifts, every day, every time I see one. Whether it's iridescent suds in the sink, fluffy toddler bed-head, a friend's laughter, a feeling of energy, satisfaction of being able to drive home, or the solid thwack of a shoe on a soccer ball in the yard. I will see the positive, and I will look for and hope for the best in everything.

And when I write my thousand gifts, I'm not going to stop. I'm going to keep on writing them.

When it's summertime..

M's Topic: the one thing I am looking forward to the most this summer...

This post is going to have to be short and sweet today, due to the impending horribleness that is proving my competency via an oral exam this week. I have much to do yet to prepare!!

Since I've been drowning in studying for my competency/departmental exams/boards/whatever you want to call them for the last 6 weeks with few breaks, I've got a pretty one track brain when it comes to the topic M gave me. The one thing I am most looking forward to during the summer is having NO WORK/SCHOOL RESPONSIBILITIES. Ugh, I can't even EXPRESS how much I can't wait to be done writing papers, preparing for exams, preparing for presentations, making lesson plans, agonizing over the correct procedure for a clinical bedside exam, coming up with enough appropriate questions for my supervisor when asked, "do you have any questions?"

I know that as soon as I get through my departmental exams and the speech praxis, the answer to M's question will probably change pretty quickly (e.g. spending all day long with Magoo, going to see family that I haven't traveled to see in 5+ years, camping, spending weekends with friends instead of my computer, the list is potentially endless). For now, I just can't wait to be done with studying, preparing for exams, and STRESSING over all of this stuff!

Wish me luck and cross your fingers and pray Pray PRAY for me this week and especially Friday morning!!!!

Story Time: One Dog Night

I'm not reading a book every week this year: see the date? It's January 17th, so we're almost into week 3 of the new year, and this is my first book, ALTHOUGH it WAS an audiobook. However, I'm still literate. :) (Although I don't exactly read books that encourage a lot of thought.)

I spend a lot of time in the car, so I've gotten into audiobooks lately. A little library nearby has a pretty decent selection of them, and I've also enlisted the help of the super sweet librarians. I'm working my way through a series of books by the author, David Rosenfelt, about a New Jersey defense attorney, Andy Carpenter. They're extremely sarcastic and each book is really unique, but ties past characters into each new story really well. I love all of the characters and I'm going to be really sad when I finish the series and there are no more to read! (I'll probably send harassing emails to the author, trying to heckle him into writing more books!)

I just finished One Dog Night, which is book 9 out of the 13 book series, and I tell you what, any subsequent audiobooks are unlikely to hold up to my standards now established by my newest favorite comedy/crime/courtroom series! This one has a thumbs up from me. :)

DRWP Employee of the Week: A Look at 11th Grade Composition

I've been searching for my undergraduate GPA like a crazy person for the last several weeks, and while searching, I found a few gems from middle school and high school. It's very nice when people share, so here's something goofy from my junior year of high school. 

DRWP Employee of the Week

When I was fifteen, I obtained my first, official, honest, paying job. It was a summer job right after school was out for the summer in eighth grade. I was so proud. However, that didn't even compare to the pride I felt at the end of the summer when I was hailed as the employee of the week at the Deep River Water Park.

My brother Josh had a job there as a member of the maintenance department, and I knew exactly what I wanted my first job to be when I had my fifteenth birthday that June. I talked my brother into bringing home an application so I could sign up right away. I became an official member of the Deep River Water Park Maintenance Department exactly five days after my birthday.

On the first day of work, I came in at ten 'til seven in the morning, wearing my brand-new, extra large Hawaiian shirt and my blue pants, and met my awesome new boss, Keith the Mullet Man. I quickly became aware of the fact that my boss was the coolest department boss in the entire water park. He took me on a tour of the entire park, explained the different sections, showed me where to find brooms, Pik-Sticks, and skimmers, and showed me how to find my way back to "Keith's Workshop." He even gave me my own DRWP water bottle. 

He sent me to Court 1 for my first day, which was the envy of most of the maintenance workers, because of all the tips that could be received for sweeping up napkins and French Fries. All I had to do was weave through the tables flipping and scooping with my little broom and my dustpan on a stick, with an occasional run through the front bathroom to make sure that no natural or unnatural disasters had occurred during the fifteen minutes since I had checked last. I had mastered the art of flipping and scooping by the time the park had been open for ten minutes.

When lunch break rolled around, I had no idea. Josh came to get me for lunch at twelve, and I experienced my first artery clogging water park meal. I began with a cup of greasy chicken bites, and ended with half of a funnel cake. This finished, I heaved my unsettled stomach out of the chair in the break room with the fuzzy TV screen, the fly trap that wasn't trapping any flies, and the popcorn machine with the two week old, fly infested popcorn, and went back to work sweeping up napkins in the food court.

At three o'clock, I bought a strawberry smoothie with a food token and came into the break room where a stimulating newspaper question and answer game was beginning. After smoking Keith the Mullet Man, Brian the Clueless MIT Student, and the rest of the maintenance department, we went back to clean the bathrooms one last time before our shift was over. My first day at the Deep River Water Park was over.

The second day, I worked the hill. On the hill, I mastered the art of Pik-Sticking rather quickly. This required muscles in the left arm to carry the five gallon bucket, and index finger movement on the right hand for controlling the Pik-Stick. The general concept of the Pik-Stick was to squeeze a handle at the top of the stick, and a claw on the other end would clamp on whatever trash item was being focused on at the moment. After picking up this particular skill, there wasn't much I couldn't accomplish.

The summer continued with eight hour shifts starting either at seven a.m. or two p.m. My personal favorite was the night shift, because much more meandering was tolerated while Pik-Sticking. Also, Keith was usually grouchier in the mornings, because Rob worked the morning shifts. Rob was the only person I ever know who could actually drown the Dolphin, which was an underwater vacuum. Either that or he would drop a lawn mower in the Lazy River. The entire maintenance crew would wait in anticipation in Keith's Workshop before the park opened to see what kind of accident Rob had that morning. Even though Keith was usually mad, Rob did liven up the mornings. It was during a morning shift in August that I became aware of my acquired position as the employee of the week.

The employee of the week was a position that was revered by all the employees in the park. First of all, it was a great honor to be chosen as the employee of the week, because that meant that I would have my picture with the assistant manager posted on the employee of the week bulletin board. Next, I received free food tokens from Christ, the assistant manager of the park. Food tokens lasted a long time for me since I was friends with the workers in Milo's, which was a restaurant above Keith's Workshop. Also, I received an Employee of the Week certificate wishing me a "Splashtastic Week" that was signed by Keith, the manager of the entire park, and myself. However, the greatest honor was yet to come.

The greatest honor was parking in the employee of the week parking place next to the break room. Employees of all departments envied the employee of the week parking places since it was a mad race each morning to get a parking place in the cramped employee parking lot. The employee of the week parking place had a special sign posted above it indicating exactly who it was for. That person was me. I had dreamed of the day that we would be able to drive the blue whale of a Bonneville to that parking place and pull into it instead of driving on. I never believed that I would really be able to do it, and it was exhilarating when it actually happened. When the car stopped, Josh left immediately, but I had to sit and savor the moment. It was truly fabulous. I was so proud when the other employees be can arriving and drove past me to their insignificant parking spots without employee of the week signs.

That entire week was wonderful. I was held up in a glorified position as employee of the week and people recognized me from my corner picture with Chris, the greasy assistant manager. My certificate was posted in Keith's Workshop until the end of the week when I took it home and posted it on my own wall. I spent two minutes savoring the employee of the week parking spot every day all week. Altogether, it was my greatest achievement as a working citizen of the United States of America, and I was very proud. It was an incredible achievement for me, and I was extremely triumphant. 

We all need a little help sometimes..

M's Topic: What am I proud of?

Okay, so this topic was a little difficult for me to figure out at first. What the heck am I proud of myself for accomplishing or working toward accomplishing? Um........ I should say grad school, because most people would say that's quite an accomplishment. It doesn't feel like one to me. It feels like a weight dragging me down (I know, I know, it's just because I'm currently enrolled and it's hard). I should say I'm proud of N, but N is his own person. He's not my masterpiece or anything, I just gave birth to him. He's a human being. So other than that....I was drawing a blank. But then I realized exactly what I want to say!!

And this is a big thing for me, so here it is. (Big breath.) I have been put through the wringer in the last few years by N's father, and it screwed me up in a big way mentally and emotionally, and in a whole lot of other ways besides. I have never been through anything truly terrible in my life until this- I think the worst things that happened to me before my experiences with my son's father were (in this order): 1) breaking up with my boyfriend during junior year of high school and realizing halfway through that I didn't want to do that, but by then there was no going back, 2) my brother playing a really mean prank on me a few weeks later, and 3) being told in no uncertain terms by a "friend" (this time in sophomore year of high school) that I was a bad "friend." (I still haven't figured out what I supposedly said or did, but obviously I could care less now.)

The thing is, that I've never really had anything horrible happen to me, and I've never desperately needed some kind of help or support. With everything that happened with N's dad, I needed help, big time. I was losing it. I'm pretty sure I cried daily for the first 6 months after I finally realized that I needed to get the two of us out, and then after that it was maybe only weekly. But terrible things kept happening after I moved N and I out, and it was pretty damaging. I still feel like I am not back to my normal self, in fact, I never will be because of the things that happened changing me in a very permanent way.

But, I got myself help. That is what I am proud of. I don't like sharing my feelings with anyone, I hate people knowing that something is wrong, and I really, really, really don't like feeling or seeming "weak" or incapable of fixing my own problems or dealing with crap. Even just the fact that the situation existed was embarrassing, let alone having to deal with the issues directly, and having to deal with the emotional, mental, financial, physical strain of it all was more overwhelming than I even know how to express. However, this was pretty serious stuff, and there was no way for me to "fix" it. The stress and anxiety was making me physically ill, for a long period of time, and like I mentioned, I cried ALL THE TIME. (I think my eyes were puffy for the first two years without stopping- now at least they're only puffy when I stay up too late working on classwork or studying that I've procrastinated for too long.)

I went to a therapist for the first time ever, shortly after the fight for custody of N began, thinking that that would be the answer. It helped a tad bit, but ultimately added more stress and anxiety (although that is not the norm, I know, and I would highly recommend that people dealing with hard stuff consider finding a professional to talk to) to my situation. Around that time, I started leaning pretty hard on friends from church/Bible study/work, and their support, understanding, and love for me as a friend made all of the difference. Friends shared with me their experience as children growing up with divorced parents, others played with N, made me laugh, encouraged and uplifted me, cried with me, pushed me to keep moving forward, and kept asserting that things would be better the farther forward I kept moving.

It wasn't easy for me to open up about what happened during my marriage and what was continuing to happen, my feelings, my fears, my disappointments. It was so stinkin' hard at first, but it's grown easier for me. I can definitely say that my friends that loved and supported me through it were there for me as an extension of God's love for me, and honestly, it feels as though they did more for me in this than I did for myself, but I had to take the first step by reaching out and asking them to walk through it with me. (And I did!) I do feel bad for them, because they're still walking through it with me, and believe me, I'm sure they'd rather just be done with it all, but they continue to love and support me and N.

Through their eyes, I can see my own worth and know that I am valuable. I know that what I did was the right thing, and though there are times when I know I shouldn't have done something, ultimately, I know that I'm doing what is right for myself, and especially for N, preventing him from being exposed on a daily basis to that kind of toxic environment. I know that God has plans in store for me that are good, and that he cares for me and for N. I thank God every day for my friends, who are more my family than my friends. They are just one example of the proof of God's love for me. I am proud of myself for reaching out to them and sharing with them. They made all the difference to me in a horrible situation, and in my experience, they are all definitely the hands and feet of Christ! I can't say it enough - I thank God for the people he brought into my life!!

Motivation, aka desperation, both fleeting and otherwise..

M's Topic: Motivation

If there is one thing that I know, it is how easy it is to let things slip by you without even realizing you've forgotten a previously life-and-death-important goal. I am the master of not accomplishing the goals I set for myself, and believe me, they are lofty ones! I do need to keep myself motivated to keep up with some of the necessities of life though, especially in school, work, and health related aspects, otherwise I am in for some terrible last-ditch efforts to meet deadlines on a pretty regular basis this year. (Ugh!)

To offset my predisposition toward this crappy habit, I've come up with a few things that work for me (let me preface this by saying that everyone is different, and what works for me may sound ridiculous to others) to help keep myself motivated. 

First and foremost, I usually set very small goals for myself. I find that I have to deliberately make my goals easy to accomplish. If I can avoid creating a massive challenge for myself to accomplish, I can avoid setting myself up for the burnout and failure that inevitably follows.  Setting smaller goals also helps me build in time for relaxation, which is another necessity to stay motivated and avoid burnout. Some people set small goals that work up in steps toward a larger, overall goal. However, this really doesn't work for me. I imagine that I'm trying to outsmart myself, and my brain's all, "Ha! You can't trick me! I know you're pretending that all we're doing are these little thingamabobs here and there, but I can see what you're getting at and you can't make me do it!" (I'm very stubborn.) So. Achieving my goals in stair-step manner just doesn't work for me.

I also try to be realistic in that I don't set too many goals. If I get really ambitious and set a ton of goals, I usually can't keep track of them, or don't keep up with all of them. Then when I screw one up, I lose motivation and give up on all of them. That's become pretty routine for me, so I try to be aware of it now, and only set up a reasonable amount of things to keep track of at one time.

Most of all, I need accountability. I have to really put it out there what I want to achieve, and deliberately ask people to hold me accountable to whatever I've said I'll accomplish (see the deal made with my friend, M, to keep me blogging regularly). Either that, or I have to make it so darn public that I'll be embarrassed from then on after as being a lazy schlump if I don't do what I've said I will.  So, I let others motivate me. Rather, I let others into my system, shaming myself into getting things done rather than showing off my true procrastinatory colors! ;)  This might sound awful, like drilling unhealthy body image crap into the brains of the people to make them workout because they don't like themselves, like you're doing something for the wrong reasons. For reasons other than to make yourself inherently happy, or to be healthier, or whatever other reason may be appropriate/inappropriate in a given situation. I really do need extrinsic motivation in the form of other humans, though, to keep moving forward. It helps keep me feeling positive about the work I'm putting forth, and stops me from simply being depressed about the work I'm doing all alone in some godforsaken, miserable place.

For some, imagining the end result is enough to motivate, but my motivation isn't a distant, nearly intangible thing. My motivation needs to come from another party, during the journey TOWARD the end result, as it's easy for me to lose sight of the end result. I could have made this rambley (that's not a real word, is it?) post a great deal shorter by saying that I fail a lot, but that I'm motivated by people, and I need lots of pats on the back in the form of "achieved goals," aka small, easy to achieve goals.

As far as finding motivation for day-to-day tasks, I am a list-maker! Checklists are my friend, I love writing them, I love looking at them, I love checking things off of them. I love checklists. I get such a huge sense of satisfaction when I see a thoroughly checked to-do list! It also helps to race through things as quickly as possible, so that you can start having fun earlier! That's probably not helpful though, for someone who is reading this in hopes of gaining some kind of insight into motivating one's self. Unfortunately, that's all I've got!! Fortunately, it works for me!! (Mostly.)

This year, I hope to get things done, and I plan to utilize the support system of a few good friends to help me along the way so that I don't fall flat on my face! I'm organizing things in such a way that it is hard for me to fail this year!!

Book of the Week: 2015

Well, I read a book each week last year (2015), but I definitely stopped blogging about it, for a couple reasons.
      1. Blogging about books was boring and repetitive.
      2. It felt as though I was forever writing a 3rd grade book report: "This book was about ______ and ______. I liked it because ______. First they went ______ and then ______!"
      3. I forgot.

BUT! I can count that goal achieved and cross it off my official list! Woohoo!!

...Moving on in life...

A New Beginning

This past year has been a stressful year for me, from extremely difficult situations in grad school and personal aspects of my life, including (but not limited to) parenting, co-parenting, finances, health, relationships, overextending myself, and the deaths of several individuals I loved. When I am stressed, I inevitably make unhealthy choices in my life, both physically and mentally. I want to make sure that 2015 is the last year that I do this.

In 2016, I want to put my health first. Exercising and eating healthy, sure, but more than that, I want to feel good about ME. My perspective of myself needs to be healthier. I've always been a pretty positive person, but over the last few years, I've been feeling defeated and have had a really negative attitude toward myself. That needs to change. I want to be a better human (to myself) for me, and I want to be a better parent for Magoo. I know all people screw up and I'm fighting an uphill battle in many, many, many aspects of my life, but there are still things that I do that I can change to improve both the situation, and how I paint myself inwardly.

I also want to come up with a plan to move forward in my life. You know, more than the "graduate and get a paying job" kind of plan. I need to figure out where is best for Magoo and I to be, and work my tail off toward getting us there. You know, finding a great fit for employment, lining Magoo up with a great future school, purchasing/renting a home, the whole she-bang.

Another thing that I'm hating right now is how I've pretty much ended a lot of long-term relationships in my life, simply by not keeping in touch with friends. I've been so busy that I haven't prioritized staying in touch with people that I really care about, so I'm putting this one all on myself. I went to a wedding in August where I spent the reception with a friend from grade school, who (unintentionally) encouraged me to get back in touch with friends. I admit that I was embarrassed when I was unable to provide answers to his questions when he asked how many of my closest friends were doing that he had known of from childhood/early school years. Re-establishing those relationships will do me wonders in improving my emotional health.

So, in 2016, I'm not setting resolutions, per se, but I want to have a more positive outlook on my own life, and get back in the habit of making choices that make me a happier person. I'll eat things that make me feel better, I'll run, find people to play catch and basketball with, and spend a little bit of money on myself to make myself happy sometimes. I have given a lot up to take the very best care of Magoo that I can, and while I don't HAVE to have nice things, I find myself resenting a lot of people in my life because of how little I have allowed myself to enjoy. That doesn't make me a good parent. It only makes me good at buying expensive and usually completely unnecessary things for Magoo. I can still do that and occasionally gift myself with an experience or item that makes me really happy, that's just for me, and not at all for Magoo. He's a happy little boy, and he'll be an even happier little boy if his mama's a happy mama.

Finally, I'm teaming up with my friend, M, for blogging purposes. Once per week (unless we get started and decide to make some changes to how we've set it up) we will post on a topic that we each provide for the other. We are free to choose what to do with the topic, as far as perspective, direction, and length of post. The idea is that we will become each other's support, accountability, and creative juice, should we need a kickstart. I'm looking forward to joining M in this way!

                              

With that, have a happy, healthy, and loving 2016!!!